Risk
by swishflick
Summary: There was a certain freedom and thrill to having the dreams. The tangled bodies, the passion... But the risk of James Potter finding out about the dreams held her back. No, this secret would be just for her for now. Lily/James. Three-shot.
1. Charismatic

**This will be a three-shot, and I have already written the second part and about half of the third part. I'll update quickly, pinky promise. I also would really appreciate reviews since this is my first chapter story. Thanks for reading!**

~-*-~

_Not again!_ Lily Evans thought as she climbed out of bed wiping the sweat off her brow. It was the third time that week that she'd woken from dreams like _that_ with _him_ in it. She was afraid that somebody might understand the nonsense she muttered in her sleep or the moans that erupted from her. She was scared that maybe _he _would hear her one day, and tease her about it. Maybe he'd stop liking her, just like she'd always feared.

Sighing, she pulled herself up and made her way to the bathroom to rinse her face in cool water. She was embarrassed, to say the least. She'd hardly told her best friend what she'd been going through. Lily was very self-conscious, something that James Potter obviously was not. At least he wasn't embarrassed with his appearance.

Why should he be? He was the epitome of male anatomy. No, he was better. She was not. James Potter was tall, dark and handsome. He had the body of a God, and nearly the entire population of Hogwarts agreed. His messy, jet-black hair always captured the wind-swept essence of him just getting off of a broomstick after long, hard hours of Quidditch practice. The glasses he wore did nothing to diminish his appearance. In fact, they seemed to merrily frame his hazel eyes and add a bit of a sparkle when the sun reflected off the lenses. His nose was a bit long, but the small scar on the tip of the right side intrigued her almost as much as his washboard abs did, but it was a very close call.

She had dark auburn hair that reached a ways past her shoulders and lay in soft, smooth waves. Her skin was too pale, and her freckles too many. She did not have the body of Annette LaVin, the 7th year Ravenclaw who so many boys pined away after, nor the body of her perpetually perfect best friend, Mary MacDonald. Now Mary was a beauty. She had long, glossy chestnut colored hair that looked perfect no matter what she did to it. Her perfect little button nose and tanned, clear skin allowed her to look pretty in the school's uniform which had a white button-up as the regulated shirt. On Lily, the shirt just served to make her look paler.

Mary had curves in all the right places and a flat stomach, long shapely legs and an elegance that drew people in. Lily had a clumsy history, large breasts that only drew in perverts and an annoying habit of biting her nails. She was as pale a porcelain and had freckles all across her shoulders and back and chest. Her hair was long and curly and it would never lay flat like Mary's did. It was such a bright shade of auburn that it sometimes hurt _her _eyes to look at it. The only part she truly loved about herself was her eyes. They were the color of emeralds, large and shaped like almonds. Long, dark red lashes framed and offset the shimmering green and brought her only physical joy. Mary always complained that Lily had the all the beauty and she only had boring brown eyes and boring brown hair and a boring, simple figure when Lily's was lovely and curvy. Lily always disagreed. She was subpar. James Potter was perfection.

One time, he had pulled up the sleeves of his shirt, and she'd seen a long, thin line on his forearm. When she'd asked him what had happened, he'd flushed and muttered "nothing" under his breath before pulling his sleeve back down. When she saw him outside later that day, she wanted to go talk to him again and ask him why he was hurt, but he was with Remus Lupin, one of his best friends, arguing in heated whispers by their favorite Beech tree.

He had every girl bowing down at his feet. True, his best friend, Sirius Black, was the playboy of all playboys and literally had girls hanging off his arms. True, Sirius Black's beauty rivaled that of James Potter. True, Sirius Black held a mysterious, bad boy air about him, but Sirius Black had no physical flaws that she could see, and that bothered her. She remembered having a conversation with him about it one time and coming out of it very embarrassed.

"Black?" she had asked in a curious voice when she'd found him on rare occasion studying in the library alone, "Do you even _have_ any scars or anything?" she had asked bluntly.

"Why do you ask, Lily-kins?" he asked with a mischievous smirk.

"Well, the rest of you all have scars, and you don't seem to," she said.

"Rest of who?" he asked.

"Oh, don't play dumb!" Lily hissed and Sirius laughed.

"So you've been watching us, have you, Evans?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"No, simple observations while passing by," Lily replied coldly with a harsh glare.

"I see," Sirius reclined back in his chair and crossed his arms leisurely, "I'm perfectly flawless."

"Oh, I doubt that. Nobody is perfectly flawless!" Lily retorted.

"What's your flaw then?" Lily blushed as her eyes narrowed dangerously.

"It's not me we're talking about,"

"Well, why should I tell you if you won't tell me?"

"That sounds like you _do_ have a flaw!" Lily grinned.

"Did I say that?"

"You should just tell me, or I might just tell everyone you talk in your sleep about how abnormally small your wiener is," Lily smirked.

"Would you like to find out for yourself the size?" he asked, barely able to hold in a laugh.

"Thanks, but no thanks, Black. I'd rather not. I might just get sick."

"You're right," he said, leaning forward with a sarcastic sigh, "I'd never do that to James."

Lily had marched out with her face burning red and Sirius Black hardly able to breathe from laughter.

Still, no matter the repulsive sort of friends James Potter managed to rally, like the accurately named Marauders who consisted of James and his three best friends Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, he was still invading her dreams nightly. The fact that he was in her dreams was nothing, she was used to it. Usually, however, he was tormenting her or embarrassing her in front of a crowd. He'd been in her nightmares before, but they'd never been doing anything like _that_.

Sweaty limbs and passionate kisses, she'd heard of them all. Her roommates had plenty of gossip to share with her about them and who was in their dreams. Lily, however, wasn't supposed to be dreaming of shagging the person she hated with such a passion, she woke up with a sweat in the middle of the night.

He'd be joyous if he ever found out she were dreaming of him, of his toned, naked body on hers, of the sweet kisses they shared in her wildest dreams. Of the way he touched her in all the right places to make her both shivery and sweaty at the same time…No! It wasn't right to think of those things. No, she would push thoughts like that out of her mind while she could. He was a mystery to her. He was a mystery to many.

Which was why the question of why James Potter wanted _her_, Lily Evans, was a question nobody seemed to be able to answer.

Still, the dreams were becoming a big problem.

~-*-~

They were fighting again. It was the only way Lily knew to let off her steam at him without throwing herself on him and snogging him right in front of everyone. She couldn't even remember anymore what had started the argument, but she knew she'd been furious at his arrogance.

"You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth! You haven't earned anything in your life!" Lily yelled, her arms flailing behind her.

"Now, come on, Evans!" James interrupted with a raised palm before Sirius, too, began talking.

"Yeah, I beg to differ, Evans. I'd like to say it was a gold spoon," He smirked and crossed his arms.

"Shut up, Sirius!" James yelled at his friend, his face paling slightly but Lily ignored him.

"You're too daft to see what's in front of you. You're at the most prestigious school of Magic learning from the best Headmaster Hogwarts has known since the bloody founders and you throw it all away from some fun and games and bloody pranks! You have no morals, no goals and no strategy. You're just a Quidditch playing, pompous, charismatic arse who somehow landed Head Boy!" Lily fumed, her face turning darker and darker shades of red with each sentence.

"Was that a compliment in there somewhere about me being charismatic?" James grinned, trying to lighten things up.

"Potter!" Lily screamed in response.

"Now come on, Evans. I know exactly what's in front of me, and I do too have morals and-"

"Yeah, Evans! His life-long goal is to create the next line of pranking equipment and shag you!" Sirius sniggered from somewhere behind James.

"Shut up, Sirius!" both James and Lily shouted at him as he quickly cowered back into the alcove he'd been standing under.

"You're a coward, James Potter. You're a bloody coward." She hissed at him, her face a dangerous few inches from his. She was breathing heavily and her nostrils flared with each breath.

"Alright, that's enough, Evans, James isn't a coward," Sirius walked back up to them with alarming speed, his voice dangerous and serious. He held his hand up between them but his face was set into an expression of defensiveness.

"If he wasn't a coward-" Sirius cut Lily off.

"Then he wouldn't have done everything he did for me. He wouldn't have done everything he did for Remus, or even Peter. He wouldn't have chased after you-and God knows why the bloody hell he still does-time and time again!" Sirius took a breath to go on, but Lily cut him off once more.

"I didn't _ask_ him to 'chase after' me, as you so kindly put it!" she exclaimed.

"I didn't _ask_ you to interrupt me, _Lily_," Sirius hissed, his expression turning from one of annoyance to one of pure anger which made Lily hesitate a second, giving Sirius the time to continue. "If James Potter wasn't a coward, he wouldn't be standing right in front of you right now letting you beat him to a bloody pulp and massacre him from the inside out. James is the bravest-and goddamn it, Evans! Will you let me finish?" Sirius asked her as she opened her mouth to speak. She quickly closed her mouth and set her face in a huff as she crossed her arms. This seemed to satisfy Sirius, because he went on.

"James has done more for his friends than you could ever imagine. If you even knew the start of it, you'd be begging at his feet for him to let you go out with somebody as loyal and noble as him,"

"I don't beg for anyone," Lily said, her chin stuck up high in the air.

"Is that what you think of me?" James asked her quietly, speaking for the first time since her original statement about his bravery, "That I'm a coward?"

"The bottom line," she said, ignoring his question, her hand pointed and thrusting at the ground as she took another step closer to him, "Is that I don't bloody trust you."

The look he gave her was calculating more than it was hurt. He simply tilted his head a bit to the right and pursed his lips together slightly, his spectacled eyes narrowing in their frames. That it surprised Lily was obvious in the way her glare softened to a look of confusion while her body got limp from the angry, structured pose it was in before.

He blinked. Her feet staggered a step backwards. A slight smirk played its way onto his lips at the knowledge that he could have such an effect on her. He placed this knowledge into storage at the back of his mind.

"Okay." He smirked and with one last look, he calmly glided up the steps to the boy's dormitories.

Frustrated that he had stolen her dramatic exit, she flew her hands up to her hair and grabbed a handful each. She tugged slightly and stamped the ground with a loud yell of frustration before stomping angrily out of the portrait hole.

~-*-~

"I've earned a lot, you know," James said quietly to Remus later that night as they were sitting in the comfortable chairs in front of the fire in the Common Room.

"I know, mate,"

"I made the Quidditch team on skill, not money. Right? Everyone knows that, right?" James asked anxiously, turning to his best friend.

"Of course she does, Prongs," Remus replied, answering his unasked question.

"And Head Boy! Dumbledore would never let anyone bribe him to giving a specific person Head Boy!" James said, his eyes hopeful.

"You're right, I know."

"What about my grades? I'm top of the class in Transfiguration, aren't I?" Remus simply nodded to reassure his friend. "I've got a brain, too, haven't I?"

"You do, mate. I know. I know. " Remus nodded, watching the fire.

"Then how come she said it?"

"Because she was angry," Remus said, "She wanted to make you angry, too,"

They sat starring at the fire for a long time. They were in a comfortable silence that only the very best of friends could share without becoming uncomfortable. Their peace was relaxing. It was almost a shame a certain red-headed girl had fixed her curious emerald-eyed gaze upon them and heard the entire conversation. But then again, had she not heard the conversation, her opinion of James Potter may have remained that he was simply a devil in the body of a God.

~-*-~

The frigid bite of frost nibbled at the grounds of Hogwarts School as December approached. Fires were lit within the castle walls and many a few dungeon doors were sealed shut due to freezing temperatures. Naked trees stood lonely and bare among tall Pines and various other Evergreens. Anyone who ventured too near the Forbidden Forest was in danger of being sprayed with needle-sharp icicles by the Whomping Willow. Snow accumulated slowly and soon, Hagrid was seen dragging enormous Christmas trees into the castle.

The first heavy snowfall came on the third Tuesday of the month. The day was bright though the sky shone a formidable grey against a frosted lawn. Quidditch players were seen sulking in the castle because they couldn't play when their limbs were too frozen to bend, preventing them from throwing or catching the Quaffle, beating the Bludgers or catching a Snitch. The school nurse was busy preparing excess amounts of Pepperup potion for sickly students.

A ruffled Sirius Black strutted into the common room that day with a silly grin on his handsome face.

"What's got you all a twitter?" James mocked his best mate.

"You know, those sixth year Ravenclaws are quite feisty. I never knew they had it in them!" Sirius said casually with an evil grin as he flopped lazily onto the couch next to Peter.

"Padfoot, you dog!" Remus laughed as Sirius expertly wiggled his eyebrows at James, causing him to burst out laughing as well.

"Might do you good to remain one," James grinned, but Sirius laughed.

"The fleas are murder!" he countered.

"Ah, but you'd be more bearable that way, mate," Peter laughed and Remus and James laughed harder, their bodies shaking uncontrollably as Sirius pouted.

"Hello boys!" Mary MacDonald said cheerfully as she plopped down in the last open spot on the couch. James saw Lily following her reluctantly. He looked around and noticed there were no more spaces to sit, so he stood up and gestured for her to sit in his armchair. She pointedly ignored him and crossed her arms.

With a fake smile on her face, she turned towards her friend.

"Come on, Mary. We've got loads to do," Lily said with force.

"No we don't, Lily! We just finished all our homework!" Mary said, looking really confused. Lily groaned.

"Oh my God, Mary," she muttered under her breath.

"Oh! Was that supposed to be a hint? Sorry, Lily," Mary said, her face scrunched up in a sorry look.

"No matter. I'm just going to head to the library. Could you meet me there after you're done raising your self esteem?" Lily asked, obviously a little peeved from Mary's mishap.

"Lily! What the bloody hell was _that_?" Mary hissed, her cheeks turning slightly pink.

"Well, its true, isn't it? But you just don't seem to see how stunning you already are, so I'll leave you to it!" Lily smiled another fake smile.

"Oh shut up. You're the pretty one, and stop denying it just so I say it more!" Mary growled, her hands ready on the couch in case she needed to stand up.

"I'm not pretending, Mary!" Lily exclaimed in true shock, "I honestly don't think I'm pretty at all!"

"I think you're beautiful!" James added in hopefully. Lily just ignored him, but Mary looked at him and finally stood.

"You see, Lily? He agrees with me!"

"He doesn't count. He's James Potter." Lily crossed arms defiantly.

"He does count, Lily? Of course, he does! It is _because_ he's James Potter that he counts!" Mary countered.

"Why?"

"He likes you. He honestly, truly likes you, and you won't even talk to him. Most would have given up by now, but he knows there's something in there, Lily," Mary said, pointing at Lily's heart, "He must know, or he would have given up."

"Why do you feel the need to keep bringing this up, Mary?" Lily asked her furiously.

"Because you must like him, even if it's only physically," Mary said simply and James' eyes widened and he looked down at his body.

"I DON'T LIKE HIM!" Lily screamed, but the entire common room was used to Lily screaming, and they didn't even bat an eyelash.

"There's a thin line between love and hate, Lily," Mary said quietly, her chin up.

"And yet, we stand on opposite sides of the battlefield," Lily replied, eyes narrowed, before turning dramatically and walking out of the common room through the portrait hole.

"Oh, no, what have I done?" Mary asked quietly as she sat down slowly, her head in her hands.

"You haven't done anything, MacDonald," Remus reassured her soothingly as he patted her shoulder.

"I have! I've ruined my friendship with her! We've never had a fight like that before!" Mary cried as a few tears made their way down her face.

"But she said you always brought it up or something," Peter said.

"Well, I have, and we fight about it, but never like that," Mary exclaimed.

"Besides, Mary, she started it," Sirius offered, but that made Mary cry harder and he swore under his breath. James remained silent as he sat back down in the armchair that had remained empty the entire time the two friends had fought. He sat down gingerly.

"Prongs, mate, what's the matter?" Remus asked.

"She doesn't just hate me, she loathes me," he said to himself as though digesting the horrible, troublesome thought.

"No, she doesn't," Sirius said.

"She does,"

"She doesn't," This time, Mary spoke.

"What do you mean? She just said it!" James asked, confused.

"She loathes the way, well, I probably shouldn't say," Mary said, looking guilty.

"What?" all four Marauders asked all together.

"I shouldn't say. She doesn't know I know…" Mary said, as though contemplating the decision to herself.

"Please, Mary, you have to tell me!" James said, his hands together in a begging gesture.

"I suppose I could tell you, but only you. And I need to know that you won't tell any of them," Mary said, gesturing to his friends.

"Marauder's honor," James exclaimed, desperate for any good news the whole dilemma might bring him.

"I suppose that's the best I can get, isn't it?" Mary asked with a small, tearful smile. James nodded and after a moment, the two walked out of the common room towards a place where no one could overhear them. James opened the door to an unused classroom, and reluctantly, Mary followed him in.

"Will you tell me now?" James asked with a look of such desperateness on his face, that Mary immediately told him everything.

"She has these dreams, but I don't think she knows I know about them. In fact, I'm sure she thinks I don't know about them. Or she would've come to me before to talk to me about it. And since she never really told me not to tell anyone, I figured it'd be okay to tell you since you're the person the dreams are all about, you know?" Mary said very hurriedly.

"What kind of dreams?" he asked cautiously.

"_Those_ kind of dreams," Mary said, lifting her eyebrows briefly to emphasize her point. James's eyes widened drastically and he fell back into the nearest chair.

"And you're sure those dreams are all about me?" James asked.

"Yes!" Mary said, but then she paused, "Well, no, but who else could they be about? She keeps muttering the letter "J" and I've racked my brain for every guy whose name starts with a J that Lily knows, and there's only so many. I've eliminated every unlikely person, and it only leaves two, one of which is highly unlikely. You understand, though, why I had to keep Jerome Brown in Ravenclaw in, don't you? He's not a Slytherin, he's a great student, he's fairly handsome, kind, et cetera. He fit all the criteria, but I doubt it's him. She's only ever talked to him a few times, and that's only because they were Charms partners for a month in 6th year."

"So, how do you…know, exactly?" James asked nervously.

"That she's having sex dreams about James Potter?" Mary laughed slightly, "Well, if the moaning doesn't give it away, I don't know what does."

"So she likes me?" James asked hopefully.

"Physically,"

"What does that mean?"

"It means there's an attraction. Lust, for sure. She doesn't know what do about it, but her fondness of you is reluctantly growing and she's having trouble accepting it. That's what it means," Mary explained, as though to a five-year-old.

"Merlin, you are such a girl. What would I do without you Mary?"

"Thanks for noticing. And you'd probably be dead," Mary replied calmly.

"But I have a chance?" he asked very slowly, not believing the opportunity had finally shown itself.

"Well, I say just shag her and get it over with. She'll be unable to resist your, er, _charms_ and she'll end up falling for you,"

"What if she only falls for my body, and not me?"

"Wow, you're a sentimental guy, aren't you?" Mary asked with a chuckle, but James frowned, "Sorry, I just meant that you've got to be that last of your kind. Either that, or Lily has really got herself someone special, and she'd be a complete idiot not see that."

"Thanks, Mary," James said after a moment.

"Anytime."

~-*-~

**This chapter was TEN PAGES on Word! Let me know if you all like longer chapters or if you prefer shorter ones, for further reference. Also, what kind of stories are you interested in? Would you rather just hear about James and Lily, or hear about Sirius and others, too? Review, please!**


	2. Regret

"Lily, wait up!" It had been four long weeks since his conversation with Mary and he hadn't spoken a word about it to anyone. Instead, he'd spent the time getting to know Lily and becoming friends with her.

"What do you want, Potter?"

"So, we're back to Potter, are we?" He was disappointed. She'd just recently started to call him "James" and he was beginning to feel so sure of himself, but she just had to go and ruin it again.

"Was it ever different?"

"It was," he paused, "It is, isn't it?"

She didn't answer him and walked quickly away.

Discouraged, but not defeated, he quietly followed her towards the opposite side of the castle, the side facing the lake and the Forest at the same time. Once he realized she was heading towards the Astronomy tower, he pulled his Invisibility Cloak out and swung it around himself. He quietly stepped on the first of the winding stone steps and walked after her upwards. He'd never appreciated the sheer warmth of the castle until he'd reached the frigid, open rooftop of the Astronomy tower.

Cold wind blew from all directions at the body that looked so incredibly small against the giant stone barriers that blocked whoever was standing there from falling. He heard a sniffle and hastily tore the Cloak off of him. Somehow, she must have heard him above the howling wind she suddenly whipped around to face him.

"You weren't supposed to follow me here," she scolded him, wiping her eyes.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, stepping up to her and completely ignoring her question.

"I'm not crying," she said, but she looked at the floor.

"You are," he whispered, but she heard him.

"Don't tell Mary," she said, suddenly alert.

"Mary knows, Lily. Mary knows everything."

"She knows that I'm crying?" Lily asked in confusion.

"What? No, the other thing," James shook his head.

"What other thing?" She asked him, but then a look of pure horror covered her beautiful face. She gulped and took a deep breath. He saw her eyes start to water before she even realized she'd started crying again.

"Oh my, that's not what you meant, was it?" James asked, very embarrassed suddenly. He didn't know what to do, because she was crying suddenly and she was crying hard and he was afraid she'd push him away if he approached her.

"You weren't supposed to know about those!" she screamed. "No one was supposed to know!"

"Lily, its fine, sex dreams are perfectly normal,"

"_Sex dreams?_" she screeched, her face a bright shade of pink, "They aren't sex dreams! I simply have dreams where you and I are kissing."

"Did you think I'd think less of you? Because I don't,"

"No? And why would you? You're just happy I've been having dreams about snogging you!" Lily snapped.

"No, no, of course not," he said, finally stepping close enough to touch her. He placed his hands on her shoulders to keep her facing him, but she looked out towards the dark, cloudy sky, the wind whipping brutally against her face. "I'm happy because I might have a chance with you now. It's a great deal of difference to what used to be."

"Really?" she turned to face him.

"Truly."

"Really?" she repeated and he nodded, his eyes on hers. She smiled a little and looked back out towards the open grounds.

They both watched the dark, shadowy rain clouds break open from the heavens and pour upon the land beneath. The Black Lake was one giant ripple consisting of thousands of circles where water droplets had hit. Mud formed almost instantly and the two Head students were soaked through to the bone within minutes.

"Are you cold?" James asked Lily after a few minutes of watching the rain.

"A little," she replied.

"Come on, let's go inside. I'd give you my cloak, but it won't do much good if it's already soaked."

She nodded and they quickly ran towards the staircase. For a fleeting instant, James had the horrid feeling that perhaps the door was locked and they wouldn't be able to get back inside to the warmth and dryness of Gryffindor Tower, but he pushed the door open with ease and rushed down the spiraling steps after Lily. Half way down, she stopped suddenly, and he nearly toppled into her had it not been for his holding the railings against which he was leaning.

"What's wrong?" he asked hurriedly.

"I just," she began as she turned to face him, "I just want to get this thing out of my system. I was thinking 'what if we just do something and I won't have these dreams anymore?' and I wanted to ask you. Because it's a little embarrassing waking up in the middle of the night all covered in sweat, James. It really is."

"So you want, like, pity sex?" he asked her with an eyebrow raised.

"Oh, goodness no! No, I'm not shagging you, James Potter. Oh, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry. Let's keep going," she said hurriedly and began back down the steps.

"Wait Lily!" James called after her, "What exactly is it that you were thinking?"

"I don't know what I was thinking," she muttered, "I guess I figured you'd want a quick snog, and Mary once said to Priya Patil that it was one of those things you had to do and it'd be out of your system, but she might have just said that because _she'd_ just had a quick snog with Priya's brother. I don't know what I was thinking," she said all this very fast and with a very pained look on her face.

"You're afraid," he said simply in response to her short rant.

"What? No, I'm not!" she said back.

"You are, and that might also be the reason you're asking me to do this with you,"

"Do what? I don't even know what I'm talking about!" Lily exclaimed.

"Think for a moment if you really want to do this," James told her calmly. After a few moments, she nodded slightly and sniffed as tear fell down her face.

"Yeah," she whispered so quietly, he barely heard her.

"Okay, now don't think, just act," and he kissed her long and hard with a passion he'd never felt before. He'd been with girls before, but he'd never wanted one so much as he wanted Lily Evans. He tried to take his own advice and act, not think, but thoughts of doing everything wrong kept running through his head.

Reassurance came, however, in a pleasant form when Lily began kissing back. Soon, his hands were traveling her body, and she had somehow unbuttoned his wet shirt to allow her hands to roam his smooth, muscular chest.

For a fleeting second, he wondered what would happen if somebody were to wander up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower, and his pleasure vanished. But just as quickly as they vanished, they returned when he thought of leading them up the few stairs they'd descended back up the Astronomy Tower. Didn't girls always think it was romantic in the Tower, anyway? And Sirius said they always wanted a good snog in the rain, and it was pouring outside. It would be perfect. He led her up the stairs, kissing her the whole way.

How long they stood, kissing, at the top of the Astronomy Tower in the pouring rain, they didn't know, but their kissing soon grew much more intimate than originally intended. It seemed like hours, but it seemed like a few seconds at the same time before Lily's shirt was off, her bra hanging by one strap in the crook of her arm. His trousers were undone and he didn't know how Lily managed to do so without him noticing. There, in the highest Tower of the greatest school of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the world, he took her, body and soul, and vowed to never give her back.

~-*-~

They returned to the Gryffindor common room nearly two hours later with a few library books in their hands. They'd gone into the Prefect's bathroom on the fifth floor under the cover of James' Invisibility Cloak so that they could clean themselves up. Lily had groaned about how her hair looked like a bird's nest, but James said his hair always looked likes a bird's nest. They ran to the library to get a few books and create their alibi that they were working on Head duties throughout the castle and then stopped at the library to get a few books.

Their friends were either all spectacular actors or they truly believed their alibi. Lily and James preferred to believe the second one. They had walked into the common room arguing about scheduling for Prefect patrols.

"Do you think they believed us?" Lily asked once they'd gone to sit at a separate table to actually work on Head duties.

"I hope so, or we'll have a lot of explaining to do," James grumbled. Gulping nervously, Lily went to work.

Hours later when Lily and the majority of Gryffindor Tower had gone to sleep, James sat on the couch staring into the fire. Sirius plopped down next to him.

"I saw you earlier on the map," he said casually, the same way one might greet a friend in the hallway, but his words meant much more.

_Alas, the moment of truth_, James thought sarcastically, but he didn't say so. "Did you really?" James asked instead in the same casual voice, playing along with Sirius' tone.

"I did. And I was ever so surprised to find you in the Astronomy Tower accompanied by a very close Lily Evans. I let my imagination wander, and I believe I've come to the conclusion of what the two of you were doing in Tower than nobody goes up to on rainy nights, with barely any room between you for more than an hour," Sirius said, but James knew he was trying hard not to laugh.

"Oh, yeah? And what do you suspect we were doing?" he asked, grinning.

"I suspect you were brewing illegal potions to turn the Slytherins green, and you were huddling for warmth." Sirius said. James snorted.

"How could you have guessed?!" James exclaimed in melodramatic tones.

"I have a knack for guessing things," Sirius shrugged, the grin on his face slowly expanding, "But how could you not tell me about this spectacular prank?"

"I apologize, my dear friend," James laughed and Sirius started laughing finally, too.

"So, how far did you two go?" Sirius asked quietly, his face suddenly somber. James simply raised his eyebrows and shrugged, a satisfied grin on his face. Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "You animal!" Sirius said between breaths of laughter.

"Well, I don't know what will happen now," James furrowed his eyebrows, "It's almost like it's all up to her. It wasn't supposed to happen. We were just supposed to snog some, and now I don't know what's happened."

"Yeah, but whatever she decides, it's your decision if you stick to it."

~-*-~

She was avoiding him. He was sure of it. She never looked him in the eye and never spoke to him unless it was absolutely necessary. He heard her telling her friends that she was avoiding another fight because she saving her voice to practice for NEWTS. He saw right through that lie. He knew he should follow Sirius' advice and make his own choice on what they should do, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. She was embarrassed and he knew it. She was probably drowning herself in mortification for letting him take something that was so precious to her.

Of course, it might be simpler to just keep shagging without emotion, but he was sure it wouldn't work for him. Did he really want to shag Lily in private for the rest of the school year? No, he most certainly did not. He wanted her to trust him. Not just trust him not to tell people that they shagged, but to trust him with herself.

So the next time there was a Heads meeting, he decided he'd speak to her and force her to bring up the marvelous sex they'd had in the Astronomy Tower.

"Hello," Lily said quietly.

"Hi, Lily," James replied in a voice he certainly didn't recognize. He sounded distant and emotionless, like the only reason he'd ever care about Lily is for professional duties. It hurt him to speak to her that way, but he knew it had to be done.

"Shall we get working, then?" she asked him awkwardly as she purposely avoided talking about "the event", her eyes looking anywhere but at him.

"Of course," he said, "I made a list of what needs to be done today. We'll have to start in the Kitchens and then the library might be good for Prefect schedules," James went on to explain what else had to be done while Lily sat nervously playing with her hands. The two set off in the direction of the school Kitchens. The silence between them was forced and awkward. On James' part, it was determined and stubborn. On Lily's it was shy and scared.

"Why are you being so cold?" he asked her suddenly.

"What are you talking about, James?" she asked, feigning ignorance.

"You've been so goddamn cold the entire time since _it_ happened!" he exclaimed with wide eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm sorry, is this a bad time?" a voice interrupted their conversation timidly. They both whipped their heads around to see a scared looking young boy in a Hufflepuff uniform.

"Yes, sorry. Very busy, sorry. Please go talk to your Head of House. We'll just continue this perfectly friendly conversation in there," James said with a bright, fake smile on her face. He pointed to a door with no idea what was behind it. The boy nodded and ran towards the end of the hallway and to what James knew to be the Hufflepuff common rooms.

"Is that a secret passageway?" Lily wanted to know.

"Well, it's not so secret anymore, now, is it?" he asked her harshly as his temper began to get the better of him.

"Fine, whatever," she said nonchalantly. "Where does it lead to?" she asked after a minute of walking.

"Somewhere around the fourth floor," he said.

"Do a lot of people know about it?" she asked. He was still leading the way, one arm lazily touching the stones on the side of her as he walked.

"Not really, it's pretty long to be a shortcut,"

"Why were you being so tense?" she asked him in abrupt change of subject.

"I was not being tense. I was simply agreeing to your form of conduct," he replied smartly.

"What form of conduct?"

"To ignore me and everything that has to do with the name of Potter,"

"Well, that's stupid!"

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"No, I'm calling your pattern of thought stupid."

"That's calling me stupid, Lily. I'm not stupid,"

"See? We're already fighting!"

"What are you talking about?"

"This is exactly what I was afraid of," she muttered to herself.

"What were you afraid of?"

"I was afraid that we'd shag and you'd ignore me and everything would go back to how it was back in fifth year, except you'd hate me back. I was afraid that I'd lost my bloody virginity to an immature, pompous ass! Now look! It's happening!" she flailed her arms in dangerous proximity to the jagged stone walls.

"I don't hate you, I'm trying to respect your absurd wishes and you get mad at me for doing so. What is it that I'm doing wrong? Didn't I help you get me 'out of your system' like you said? Aren't I doing everything to help _you_ despite what _I _want?" James asked her furiously.

"WELL, MAYBE YOU AREN'T OUT OF MY SYSTEM LIKE I HOPED!" she screamed at him, but he didn't even so much as flinch. Instead, his eyes grew to an abnormal size.

"What?" he simply looked amazed.

"You heard me," she hissed.

"I thought you were avoiding me because you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore," he was confused.

"No, it was because I didn't want to be in the situation we are currently in," she explained, but then her cheeks turned bright red as she quietly muttered the next part, "And I didn't want to get you angry, because when you're angry…" she trailed off, blushing even more, but James figured out what she was implying.

"Lily, I need you to like me for me, not for the insane amounts of hot sex we have," They both looked up at each other and smiled shyly.

"I don't want to keep shagging you, Potter," she said with a hint of malice in her voice, "I'm embarrassed to have done that. I was the kind of girl who wanted to wait until marriage to make love. This isn't how it was supposed to happen!"

"Well it did, and I'm sorry if that doesn't fit in with your perfectly written book about your perfect life," he replied as he abruptly turned to keep walking.

"_My_ life is perfect? Is that what you think? My life is a mess! My sister hates me, I'm scared out of my wits that someone will find out what we did, there is a mountain the size of Mount Everest of homework piling up on me, I have hours of Head Duties each night, I can't even tell my best friend all that's going on, and to top it all off I just went and accidentally shagged the guy I'm supposed to hate!" She exploded.

"Doesn't sound too happy," James muttered sarcastically under his breath and Lily glared at him. "I'm sorry I got mad at you," he reluctantly said a few moments later.

"I'm sorry I blew up at you," she said quietly, looking at the floor.

"And I'm also sorry that you were deflowered unintentionally,"

"But not that you're the guy who deflowered me?" She raised her eyebrow at him with a menacing glare.

"No, because I believe you should never regret what once made you genuinely happy,"

Lily didn't reply. She didn't even know what to say to that. It aggravated her that one moment, he was obnoxious, and the next moment, he was so sincere. There was a long silence as they stood there in the passage way, a few feet apart. James, starring at Lily, and Lily starring at the floor as her shoes scuffed the hardwood.

"Lily?" James asked timidly, ending the long silence.

"Hm?" she looked up.

"Why were you crying, that time, up in the Astronomy Tower?"

"Oh," she looked back down quickly and shook her head, "It was nothing. Nothing."

"It wasn't nothing," he stepped towards her. Lily flinched slightly.

"It doesn't matter," she growled, "alright? It doesn't matter!"

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"Bloody hell," James muttered under his breath, but he was sure Lily heard him when he heard her scoff at his remark.

"Let's go finish," Lily said and turned to walk back out of the passageway, James close on her heals.

~-*-~

"I don't get it," Lily told Mary later that night while they were sitting on her bed, sharing stories of the past few days. They'd reconciled when Mary had brought a peace-offering of Honeyduke's chocolate and Lily had pulled out a box of cauldron cakes.

"What?"

"Why would he like me?"

"Who? James?"

"Yes," Lily muttered, "I mean, _I_ wouldn't like me if I were him. I'm nothing but rude to him, I'm not very pretty and I don't like him the way he wants me to, either."

"Oh, Lily," Mary sighed.

"It's true! I don't understand it at all," she groaned.

"Lily, I won't repeat again that you're gorgeous because you won't listen to me anyways, but you've got to know that he likes you for who you are, not exactly how you treat him," Mary patted Lily's hand. Lily frowned slightly and looked straight ahead, fixating on a spot on the wall.

"I shagged him," she said, almost as though she'd only just realized it.

"You WHAT?" Mary exclaimed as she jumped off the bed, "You what? And you didn't tell me? Oh, Merlin, bloody good friends I have!"

"I didn't mean to," Lily replied.

"You didn't mean to shag him or you didn't mean to not tell me?" Mary narrowed her eyes.

"Both! I meant to tell you, but I didn't know how. And I never meant to shag him. It was all awkward working with him for a weeks afterwards." Lily told her.

"Weeks?" Mary asked in surprise, "When exactly did this happen?"

"I don't know. I can't remember," Lily shrugged.

"You do to! You remember the exact date!" Mary accused and jumped back on the bed and leaned in to hear Lily's recount of the whole event.

"Fine," Lily sighed, "It's been two weeks and four days," she admitted.

"Wow," was all Mary said as she leaned back against the bedpost in surprise.

"And," Lily checked her watch, "three hours."

"Wow," Mary repeated.

"Is that all you can say?" Lily asked her.

"I don't know!" Mary huffed, "Maybe it'll take me two weeks and four days to let you know my reaction!"

"Mary, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. If you must know, it's been horrid keeping it in and trying to tell you but not knowing how,"

"Well, in the end, you just went out and said it!" Mary exclaimed, her face still evidently angry and deceived. They were quiet. "I'm your best mate, right?" she went on in a quieter tone as Lily nodded eagerly, "You should have told me."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I forgive you," Mary said and they both smiled sadly, "This time."

Lily chuckled and bit into a cauldron cake. Mary just looked at her with an expectant look.

"What?" Lily asked.

"Well? Now tell me all about it! Was it everything you'd ever dreamed it would be?" Mary giggled.

"Oh," Lily blushed, "I suppose you've heard me then. While I was sleeping?" Mary nodded and shrugged in a 'what can you do?' way? "Well, I guess it would do to tell you it was both amazing and horrible at the same time?"

"Of course not! Tell me everything!" Mary hit Lily lightly on the leg.

"He was very gentle, but it wasn't very soft at all. I guess it was better than my dreams because it was real. But it's so much worse because now I have to live with it!"

"Why do you regret it so much?" Mary asked her quietly.

"Because I'm ashamed of what he'll think of me now," Lily replied shyly.

"I'm sure he doesn't think any less of you," Mary reassured her.

"That's what he said, but it still feels wrong," Lily sighed again, "I was supposed to be the kind of girl who waited to get married before making love. It wasn't supposed to happen in the Astronomy Tower!"

"The Astronomy Tower?" Mary asked with a laugh.

"Yes, I know, very kinky," Lily rolled her eyes, but she was smiling still. Mary chuckled.

"Lily?" she asked suddenly, "What do you think it was?"

"What do you mean?" Lily asked.

"Did you shag him, or did you make love to him?" Mary asked her seriously.

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"No, they're not. They're very different things,"

"Oh," Lily picked at a hole in her pillowcase with her finger.

"Lily? Which one?" Mary asked. Lily looked up.

"I have no idea."


	3. Perfect

"Mary said something curious the other day," Lily said distractedly one day when she was working with James in the library.

"Oh yeah? What was that?" He asked, not paying attention very much.

"She said there is," Lily struggled slightly with her words, "A difference, of sorts, between shagging and making love," she looked at him, her head tilted slightly, "Do you think there is?"

He looked back at her and blinked a few times. He was thinking, and it must have been for longer than he thought because Lily was calling his name again.

"I haven't really thought about it," he admitted, "But now that you say it, I suppose there is. Different names for the same thing, at different levels of intimacy, I guess."

Lily nodded and pretended to go back to her work, but she was really just thinking about his answer.

"James?"

"Yes?"

"What do you think ours was?"

He froze. On one hand, he liked that she was using words like "ours" to describe what they were, but on the other hand, he was slightly upset that she was still so unsure and frightened by him and what they'd done.

"I think," he gulped and gathered his voice to make it sound authoritative, "that it's for you to decide what you think it was and for me to decide what I think."

With that, he slammed his book shut, stuffed it into his bag and walked out of the library.

~-*-~

There was something different about the way they acted around each other after that. A sort of cautious civility surrounded every word they spoke. James was polite and cold. Lily, calm and direct. They were back at square one, avoiding each other and hating it.

~-*-~

When Sirius walked into the common room the following evening, the first thing he spotted was the object of his best mate's affection sitting gloomily in a seat, staring at the fire. He approached her noisily, warning her of his presence.

"Wotcher, Evans," he grinned.

"Hello, Black," she replied politely, without looking up. He sat down next to her, a direct contrast to her serious mood.

"How've you been?" He asked her, attempting conversation.

"Fine, thanks," she replied. This was going to be much harder than he thought. Reluctantly, he sat back in the chair and watched the fire as well, wondering what it was everyone always saw in it. He seemed to be the only person who couldn't stare at the fire without getting bored. He tried, though. What was it about the flames that enticed everyone? What answers were being searched for in the realms of the burning?

He sat for a long time, wondering this, among other things, until nobody remained in the common room except himself and Lily Evans. He attempted another shot at conversation.

"Evans?"

"Yes?"

"How about I bring down some Firewhiskey, and we share our sorrows to the tune of my drunken singing?" Sirius suggested merrily. When she didn't respond, he jumped up, ran upstairs and was back before Lily could move.

"You seriously brought Firewhiskey?" she asked him.

"Of course! Here you go," he said as he poured each of them a glass of the liquid. He downed the glass in one gulp while she cautiously sipped the drink before almost spitting it out.

"How do you drink that?" she exclaimed.

"Nasty, isn't it? Works wonders, though," Sirius stared admiringly at the bottle of Ogden's Old.

"Disgusting." She agreed.

"Lily?" He asked again suddenly, "What do you think about James?"

"What?"

"You heard me the first time."

"I don't know what to think about him. I don't know how to act around him," she shook her head.

"He really does like you, you know. A lot," Sirius told her solemnly.

"Do you really believe that?" she sniffed.

"Everyone needs to believe in something." Sirius told her solemnly. He turned back to the bottle, "I believe I'll have another Firewhiskey,"

She smiled, and bravely gulped down the rest of her drink.

"Thank you, Sirius. I think it's time I went up to bed," She smiled at him. He nodded curtly before gulping down his second glass of the fiery liquid. Shaking her head slightly, and followed the staircase up to her bed. She flopped down onto it and immediately fell asleep.

~-*-~

"Good afternoon, Lily," James said as he walked in to the library a week later.

"Hello, James," Lily replied in an equally polite tone.

Not another word was spoken for nearly an hour while the two Heads worked on patrol schedules and detention records. They were both tense and looking anywhere but each other until James let out a massive groan. When Lily didn't react, he groaned again.

"Is something wrong?" she asked politely.

"Lily, I'm so sick of this. Why are we always fighting? Weren't you the one who said you were afraid this would happen?" James asked her, but she remained quiet. "You're not the only one in this relationship, no matter what sort of relationship this is."

"I know that," Lily snapped, "and I am refraining from putting myself in a situation I am going to regret again."

"You regret it?" James asked, eyebrows raised. Lily didn't respond again and he sat back in his chair. "Merlin, I didn't know you hated me that much. And this is how you're 'refraining'? By ignoring me and creating a completely uncomfortable atmosphere? Wonderful."

"Well, it's not like I can undo it now, can I?" Lily snapped again.

"Bloody hell, Evans," Lily winced at the use of her surname, "we can forget about it if you want to that much."

"Tell me, please, how I'm supposed to just _forget_ that I've had sex for the first time with someone I'm not even dating!"

"We could be dating."

"But we're not, for exactly this reason," Lily said.

"Because we're fighting? All good relationships take work," James said encouragingly.

"This isn't work, James, this would be a nightmare. We can't have a conversation without arguing. We had sex, and that's all it was." They looked at each other sadly.

"Sex isn't just sex, thought," James said quietly.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked.

"Well, you said yourself. There's sex and then there's making love," James explained.

"Us arguing though, doesn't that just prove that all it was for us was sex?" Lily asked him.

"There's more than one type of sex, Lily," James said, emphasizing her name.

"Oh, pray tell, James," Lily responded in the same manner.

"There's make-up sex, break-up sex, misery sex," James began.

"Comfort sex," Lily added quietly.

"Maintenance sex," James grinned.

"Vacation sex,"

"Quickie sex,"

"Can't-sleep sex,"

"Pity sex," James said finally and Lily didn't respond. It was quiet for such a long time as they just watched each other that it almost became awkward until Lily finally let out a strangled sentence.

"It was just sex, James."

And she picked up her things and left the library.

~-*-~

Lily woke up the next morning to find a note by her bed. She opened it curiously and was surprised to see only the words "We need to talk" written in James' untidy scrawl. For a split second, she wondered how he got the note up to her room, but then she decided that there was no use pondering the brain patterns of a Marauder. Then Lily got a bit agitated. She didn't _want_ to talk to him, because she knew what he wanted to talk about, and she didn't feel comfortable talking about it. It was great, sure, but it was still just sex. If he felt differently, well, then that was too bad.

She went down to breakfast after getting dressed and searched for him at the Gryffindor table. He wasn't there. In fact, none of the Marauders were. This was odd, but good. The longer Lily could avoid talking to him, the better. Maybe he wouldn't be as determined to win her over when they finally talked.

Yes, things were looking up that day. James wasn't in her first class, Transfiguration. This worried Lily a bit because James never missed Transfiguration since it was his best subject. Not that he didn't excel in the rest of his classes, because he did. Because James Potter was, despite her anger at him, still perfect. He still was the same charming, handsome, intelligent young man (yes, he was definitely a man, and Lily had proof of _that_ in her memory) that she had always known. It was just so _awkward_ now, so tense.

Avoiding him seemed the best option. It had worked before, and it would work again.

~-*-~

"Wotcher," Sirius greeted Lily in Charms later that day.

"Oh, hello," Lily replied. They were all there, standing behind Sirius with smiles on their faces. Fate hated her, didn't it? So much for avoiding him for a while.

"Hey, Evans," Remus said and Peter and James followed with a "Hello."

"Why are you here?" she asked them suspiciously.

"What do you mean?" Remus laughed, "This is Charms class. We have a double period of it every Thursday."

"No, I mean, why are you here when you weren't here for any other classes today? Or any meals, for that matter!" Lily was still watching them carefully for any signs of mischief.

"Glad you noticed, but-" Sirius began before he was cut off by James.

"We had a prior engagement that required our immediate attention." James grinned.

She knew they were hiding something, a prank most likely, but she didn't care much. How could he talk to her and pretend nothing had happened? He stood there talking to her so calmly as though the conversation in the library hadn't happened. Oh, they all probably knew. He'd told all of his friends, bragged to them, that he'd finally gotten in Lily Evans' pants. That's why they were all smiling at her, gloating at her misfortune. She felt her cheeks burn slightly. She didn't respond to James' statement, and simply turned back to face her teacher. She heard them mutter something to each other and take a seat in the row behind her.

Professor Flitwick taught the lesson, a review on 5th year charms for their NEWT exams. Lily tried her best to concentrate in her favorite lesson, but found her attention drifting to her embarrassment. Oh, she _was_ just another notch on his bedpost! She was so ashamed! She felt sick. It was so _hot_ in the classroom! Lily felt the bile rise up in her throat and a cold sweat break out on her forehead. Her stomach felt like it had flipped over inside her twenty times. She needed to leave. Her hand shot in the air.

"Oh, yes Miss Evans?" Professor Flitwick squeaked in surprise.

"I don't feel well, Professor. May I please be excused?" Lily asked in her proper, talking-to-teachers voice.

"Would you like to go see the Nurse?" the tiny Professor inquired.

"No, thank you, sir. I think I just need to lie down, have a glass of water, and I'll be right as rain!" Lily replied, wincing slightly at her use of such language.

"Well, alright then. I trust you already have these notes copied down!" he said with a slight giggle, and Lily got up from her seat and slung her bag around her shoulders, ready to leave.

"Professor?" Lily froze. It was James Potter's voice.

"Yes, Mr. Potter?"

"I think I should accompany Evans, in case she gets light headed or something in the halls. It wouldn't be right if I didn't, seeing as we're Heads together." James grinned his charming grin at the Professor, and Flitwick, blinded by James' charm, instantly agreed.

Lily sped out of the classroom into the empty corridor, James hot on her heels.

"Lily, wait!" he called after her, but she didn't stop. He called her name again, and again, she sped up.

"I don't want to talk to you!" she yelled back at him.

"Lily, goddamn it! I don't care, but I have something to say, and you're going to listen!" James yelled after her.

"Excuse me?" Lily stopped and turned to him in astonishment.

"Sorry, just let me say this, alright?" James said quickly. He didn't need Lily's anger right then, he needed her to listen to him, to agree with him. Lily sighed, crossed her arms and stood in front of him, waiting.

"Well, get to it," she said, rolling her eyes. Well, thought James, if she was going to make this as difficult as she could for him, he wouldn't stop her, but he'd sure as hell make it just as difficult for her.

"I know it was just sex. It was great, it was fun, it was, honestly, the best sex I've ever had, but I _know_ it was just sex. I know." James said. He was standing so close to her. It was taking too much energy to resist from kissing her and snogging her and shagging her again. Merlin, he needed to get these words out, and then, maybe then, he could do all that. Oh, Merlin, he was whipped.

"So what's the point of this?" Lily asked, her jaw set and her eyes wet.

"Lily, you said there was sex and there was making love," James whispered. He was leaning in so close to her face –no! He needed to finish. He groaned and stepped back, spinning around with his head to the ceiling and his hands on his face. He turned back to her, taking a daring step closer to her with each word. In the back of his mind- though he'd never admit it- he was hoping he was being seductive, a bit.

"Lily, Lily, Lily. Do you even understand the tiniest bit how crazy I am about you?" he didn't let her answer his question. James took the final step towards her and held her face with his hands. There was urgency in each of his moves, but he was still gentle and Lily's cheeks were the brightest shade of pink and he just wanted to- good God, James! Get a hold on yourself.

"James," he barely heard it, but that whisper encouraged him. He went on.

"I want to make love to you. I want to show you how much I adore you and how much I want you. I. Want. To. Make. Love." The word escaped his lips and Lily felt her breath catch in her throat. "To you.

It was quiet. They stood staring at each other in the corridor in such a way that if anyone were to walk by, they would shield their eyes because they would feel uncomfortable seeing such an intimate moment.

"I -" Lily whispered, gulping back tears, "I don't understand." She was shaking her head, pulling away. He wouldn't let her go; he grabbed her shoulders and hugged her to him.

"What don't you understand, love?" he whispered in her ear and her breath caught in her throat again at that word, that word that was so painful and so wonderful to hear from his perfect lips: love. "It's you. It's always been you. You're the only woman I could ever…" he trailed off. He kissed the top of her head.

She gently pushed away from him. The tears were pouring down her face.

"No, I don't understand. You're so…_perfect_. Why would you want me?" Lily asked him, the tears still flowing.

"Me? Perfect? I'm not perfect," James scoffed.

"But you are! You're smart and charming and handsome," Lily's face was bright red, "you've got this impeccable group of friends who would do anything for you, you never even have to study for your grades, you're _brilliant _at Quidditch, you're the golden child of the Wizarding World, and you could have any girl you wanted at the snap of a finger. Why would you want me?"

"Any girl? Does that include you?" James chuckled weakly.

"James!" Lily scolded.

"Right, sorry," he said, looking ashamed. "Don't you see though? I'm not perfect. I make jokes when I should be serious, I'm always late, I'm always making trouble, my parents love me, but they think I'm an immature little boy, I haven't any idea what I'm going to do when I get out of here, everyone really just thinks I'm a spoiled git who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth," Lily looked ashamed at that moment, but James went on in a completely nonchalant tone, "And for the last three years, I've suffered a case of unrecruited love worse than Romeo's. So you see, I'm far from perfect." He smiled at her but she still looked unconvinced.

"I still don't see why _you_ would want _me_. I'm not pretty, I study for hours to get grades like yours and for the longest time, I basically hated you. I'm not the kind of girl James Potter would like. There's no logic in any of this," Lily argued.

"There's no logic to this, Lily. However, I beg to differ. You're not pretty, you're beautiful. You're the smartest person I know, you're kind, you're honest, you're brave and you're exactly the kind of _woman_ I want to be with," James reassured her with a dazzling grin.

"I don't believe you. I don't," Lily blushed.

"It's the truth, I promise," James told her.

"No! I don't believe you!" she screamed.

"Lily," he took a tentative step toward her, "It's you. I said it before, and it's still you. My heart belongs to you." He said, grinning at the cliché.

"Say it. Say it, because I don't believe you." Lily said in a low, threatening voice.

"Say what? You mean more to me than you can imagine," he told her.

"Are you calling me daft? Say it! You know what!" she screamed again.

"Lily," he said, taking one of her shaking hands in his own. He used to other to touch her chin and lift her face up to look at him. "I…I…"

"You can't even say it. How am I supposed to believe all that, if you can't even say it?" Lily whispered. She broke away from him and started walking away, hoping he would yell it to her, or at the very least call her back.

She didn't hear him whisper the words to her departing figure.

She cried the whole way back to her dormitory.

~-*-~

"I love you."

She took a deep breath. Those three words had been haunting her for two days. Everywhere she turned, there were loving, doting couples. In the library, she went to get a book on the twelve uses of dragon's blood for Potions, and there was Priya Patil and Daniel McMillian. When she was reading a book out on the grounds, she was distracted by the noises of her best friend Mary MacDonald and Bart Bones snogging in the trees behind her. Even Remus Lupin, the only male in Hogwarts who actually avoided dating, had a found a girlfriend in Thelma Abbott.

"I love you."

The words kept repeating in her head. Every time she was near him, she had to use every ounce of her strength to retain her dignity and not yell them at him. She would never, ever, ever admit to being in love with James Potter. These were thoughts that would be hidden in the back of her brain for the rest of her life.

But, Merlin, she couldn't stop thinking about him. The dreams had gotten worse. She imagined everything they could do together. Every risqué position she'd ever heard. It was so real in her dreams that she woke up panting, sweaty and in a great need to change her knickers. His wind-swept hair, his broad shoulders, his chiseled cheekbones, the smoothness and hardness of his chest and that naughty, enticing trail of black hair that led from his belly button to his erect manhood. And in her dreams, it was always erect.

"I love you."

She loved everything about him and she hated it. He was too proud, too scared to say it to her. That or he didn't really love her. She didn't know which one she wanted to be true. She spent those two days lurking behind statues to avoid him, but he hadn't really tried to find her. He walked around with a solemn expression and no real hop to his step like he usually had.

She was nervous for the Head meeting they had planned for that night in the library. She picked out a secluded table in the back of the library because she didn't want anyone to have to hear them argue or to hear her cry. She knew James would find her. He always did. It had almost become a game to them. She tried to find the most random, secluded table in the library and he had to find her. It never took him more than a few minutes and she always wondered how he did. But it was not the time to ponder that. She was going to stay professional throughout the meeting.

He came, as always, only a few minutes after her. They greeted each other with polite hello's and sat down to work as though, once again, nothing had happened. Ten minutes in, she felt his hand brush hers. They locked eyes for a second and instantly looked back to their work. Lily knew her face was bright red. She couldn't concentrate on her work anymore and she knew James couldn't either because she saw him staring at the same bit of parchment.

"I don't take risks." She said quietly. He looked up, surprised, at the sudden bit of conversation.

"Sorry?"

"I don't like taking risks. I know what I am capable of and I see no need to upend my life for something that will most likely end in disaster." Lily explained, staring ahead of her the whole time. She glanced to her right to see James nod once and look back down. She starred back at her work. She heard him mutter something, but couldn't make out the words.

"Did you say something?" she asked him.

"What? No. I mean, yes, I did." James stuttered.

"Well, what did you say?" she questioned.

"I, er," he took a deep breath and took both of her hands in his. He stood up. She followed him. "Lily?" she nodded, not letting herself get too hopeful. "Lily Evans, I hope I've convinced you by now that I'm not perfect. I always miss the moment. But someone as amazing and brilliant and beautiful as you should never have to be treated the way I've treated you. I want to apologize. I'm sorry." Oh Merlin, he was apologizing. She shouldn't have gotten her hopes up. "And I want to say something else."

"What?" she groaned. She wanted to cry, but she held herself back.

"I love you."

She thought for a moment that the words were haunting her brain again, and then she realized they came out of James Potter's perfect lips with his perfect, deep, velvety voice. She felt lightheaded.

"What?" she asked.

"That's usually not the reaction one would expect…" James muttered.

"What did you say?" she breathed. She felt like she was falling, but James held on to her tighter. He looked into her eyes again.

"I love you, Lily Evans. I love you. I'll shout it for the whole world to hear if you ask me to. I'll write it in rose petals on the grounds. I'll scream it off the top of the Astronomy Tower. I love you. With all my heart." He leaned forward and lightly placed his lips on hers.

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. He loved her? He loved her. He loved her! She pulled back.

"James?" she asked.

"Yes?" he snuck another kiss.

"I might, too," she whispered.

"You might what?" He asked her, his eyebrows raised mischievously.

"Love you?" she said.

"What?" he grinned. He leaned in and kissed her passionately on the lips. They stayed like that for a while before they broke apart for air.

"I love you, too?" she said, raising her voice at the end, making it sound like a question.

"Is that a question?" he smiled at her with such happiness that Lily blushed. She kissed him quickly.

"No, the question is, are you worth the risk?" Lily said.

"Am I?" James asked hopefully. Lily starred at him, a smile growing on her face.

"I want you to be."

~-*-~

**Thank you for reading! I would **_**love**_** a review to tell me how I did on this story. I tried to not make it too smutty or too cliché or too gooey, but I think I might have failed on the gooey bit. That part where they tell each other why the other is so perfect? Oh well. It was meant to develop Lily's character. She's a bit insecure. It's obvious she's pretty, but in James' eyes she's the most beautiful girl in the world. He's whipped. And Lily sees James, at first, as an Adonis figure, a male Aphrodite. If you notice, she keeps pointing out that everything about him is "perfect". But ah well.**

**I'm rambling. Sorry. Hope you enjoyed the story. I know every does this, but I'd appreciate a review. Once more, Thanks!**


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